Listen:
OPENING WORDS: "Your Children"
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you...
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
-- Kahlil Gibran
MEDITATION READING: from "The New Male"
The third millennium's version of "male" - the NEW MALE - is not entrenched at the end of the scale of stereotypes about men. He is not lust incarnate or the king of denial. Nor is he any of the following to an ad nauseam degree: rational, sporty, brutish, aggressive, militaristic, competitive, or insensitive.
He finds it odious for women to be stereotyped, too, as: intuitive, irrational, seductive, passive, receptive, warm, or nurturing. For him, she is neither all goddess nor all earth woman.
He is himself and knows he is ever evolving, and sees woman the same way. At least this is his ideal.
The NEW MALE is also very confused and struggling - with much thanks to the women's movement. And I mean gratitude. While women were and are moving, men like this one have been quietly shuffling along beside them, observing; learning.
And what he has learned about himself is that he is glad women are progressing but also he is a bit sad for himself; sad for where he is on this journey of coming into self-awareness.
While tagging alongside or perhaps lagging behind women on the move, the third millennium man has lost sight of his own inner yearnings. He has been supportive without claiming his own territory. He had thought the two to be mutually exclusive.
But no more! He seeks his freedom, too. Not at the expense of women's freedom but as an adjunct to human freedom.
-- Don Beaudreault
SERMON: "Celebrating the Male"
Stereotypes! I abhor stereotypes - especially ones designated to gender by culture and time. Just imagine, for a moment that the gender "roles" as we have for so long assigned them, are reversed. Men are now women, and women are now men.
It's "Here Comes the Groom, All Dressed in Black" as the blushing groom walks down the aisle to meet his bride who, along with the preacher and the best woman, have snuck in from the side door. The best mister and the flower boy have preceded the groom down the aisle. Wearing a veil to indicate his modesty, the groom barely sees the rose petals ahead of him - or the years - as his mother escorts him to meet his bride. The groom goes second in reciting his wedding vows. And after the preacher (a woman, of course) says:
I now pronounce you wife and husband,
The bride is informed that she may now kiss her groom, so she raises his veil, takes him in her arms, and kisses him. This act is followed by the clergywoman's introduction of them as:
Mrs. and Mr.
It is the man who conceives and has the morning sickness, the dietary urges, the weight gain, the backache, the exhaustion, the rib kicking, the roller coaster ride called labor. And after the little boy has pushed his way out of his father's body, the mother, sheathed in a surgical gown, stands over the new father and kisses his perspiring forehead and proclaims:
Well done!
All the while thinking:
Too bad it's a boy!
Still, the new daddy will attempt to improve his son's lot in the world beyond what he, himself, has achieved.
It is the man, despite his college degree, who does a full day's work outside the home for less than a full day's pay (in comparison to what his woman gets). Then he must come home and work some more. The kids and wife expect it of him. He is culinary expert, maintenance supervisor, and chauffeur. He listens to his wife's complaints about her boss, about her desire to take off to the South Seas with Ashton Kutcher, about her worries concerning "Where in the heck the money's going." He listens and shares little of himself with her because she does not really seem to hear him when he tries to tell her of his heart's desire. And sometimes, if she feels like it, she hits him.
He occasionally has lunch with the other guys, or calls them up just to chat - and they make conversation, instead of deals. Innermost thoughts get expressed. They tell stories, share hopes. They cry when they feel like it. And they aren't ashamed of feeling like it. They wonder why women sometimes seem insensitive to the needs of men. Why women have to brutalize men. Why they have to turn them into sexual objects or gods; why they can't see them for what they are: as human beings trying to do the best they can. The separated or divorced men wonder why their "X's" refuse to pay the court-ordered alimony. But the guys laugh, too: sharing stories about PTA meetings, Cub Scout cookie sales, church bazaars, their sons' overnight pajama parties, the flower arranging lectures. The men go to dream workshops and aerobic classes; weight loss support groups and cooking demonstrations; they discuss politics, realizing that this is the Year of the Male; they work for causes: like the Equal Rights Amendment (for males), like Choice, like "Raises Not Roses," like adequate daycare in the workplace, like paternity leave. They write letters to the Congresswomen, hoping that their representatives will hear what they have to say in opposition to wars and guns - real ones as well as toy ones. They venture into what the women previously have thought of as their sacrosanct areas: the guys are now pumping iron, learning karate, running marathons. They are becoming bullfighters and astronauts, talk-show hosts and brain surgeons. The men are questioning why the deity is referred to as "She" and why in some churches only women are allowed to perform holy rites. The guys are smoking more and dying younger.
But mostly they see their women die first - dying of heart attacks and strokes caused by fat-clogged arteries and over-stressed nerves due to lack of expressing their emotions. The women die, leaving the men with questions about insurance policies and unpaid bills. And so, they become widowed grandfathers and have makeovers; they go on tours to Hawaii with other widowers; they learn to work the DVD player; and they go to church a lot.
They learn - finally - that stereotypes about genders are just that: that a human being can move beyond the roles assigned by society - in order to discover who she or he really is and really wants to be.
It is a battle to do this, but it can be done. They love that now classic song that Helen Reddy created just for men:
I Am Man, hear me roar!
Truly, we denizens who are living in the early stages of the third millennium have stereotypes about each other's gender, but also more and more of us are questioning these stereotypes. And it is crucial that we do so, if we care about equality, justice, love, and freedom.
Women and men, boys and girls - we all are faced with new paradigms of being; of how we might self-identify on this increasingly interconnected planet. My little reading about gender role reversals is, in effect, stereotyping both sexes. Some people today eschew any such categorizing. Nor do they necessarily detest the joy some have in saying of the uniqueness of people "Vive le difference!"
Still, those of us who care about being authentic must proclaim who we are beyond gender stereotyping, beyond even the words.
Let us consider some examples of how males can do this, with an understanding that these actions will obviously affect the lives of females in our society.
Just think of how far we have come from the days when women were some kind of appendage to men - a la Eve's being merely one of Adam's ribs.
So, what does it mean to be a man in today's society?
Here are some possible suggestions from guys I personally know:
One guy writes:
Luckily, for men today...most of us no longer are expected to win the love and acceptance of a woman whose only path to notability is a vicarious one that should belong exclusively to us as individuals. Now that women have the right to pursue their own private destinies, also as individuals, with or without men, we men are freer to pursue ours.
Another man writes:
Where are the messages and examples that say that being a fully realized man is about being proudly individual, about caring strongly, about achieving your full, multi-faceted potential as a human being?
Another spoke with great concern about the lack of connection fathers seem to have with their sons today and of the deleterious effect it is having on the boys:
My son's a great kid - I'm very lucky - but through him I'm getting to see the world of today's adolescent males up close and personal...there's no doubt that boys are uniformly underachieving their potential. When it comes to the honor role, to class awards, to music, to anything other than maybe athletics it seems increasingly "uncool" to be a male achiever...girls are at least...getting messages that encourage them to be strong in character, independent, and proudly individual. Boys are clearly being sent messages that to be a hip and attractive male you have to feign uncaring, you have to demonstrate irresponsibility; you have to pretend that your interests don't extend much beyond partying, and hooking up with hot women...
Until we as a society put a focus on addressing the gaps we have in parenting, particularly fatherhood, we aren't going to be able to address many of our most important social ills...It's time to acknowledge there's a large hole in the social fabric; it starts with the men in the family, and we all have a responsibility to do something about it.
In connection with this statement about fathers and sons is the one from a gay-activist writer friend of mine who wrote:
Now a middle-aged adult, I've had lots more experience with forgiveness. My father languished with cancer for months and eventually died without ever saying he loved me. It forced me to acknowledge that a man who survived the death of his own father at age 4, the Great Depression, and World War II might not have ever known how to interact with me in the first place. He kept a roof over my head, bought me a car for my 16th birthday and paid for my college education - maybe THAT was love. I forgave him for the belt whippings, the substitution of material things for nurturing words and his inability to say he loved me because it's just possible the man was doing the best that he could do. A little forgiveness was in order.
Indeed, in all four of these statements we can see how men are struggling with the "roles" of men and boys in society today. Truly, there is a longing, if not angst, among most of us guys in trying to understand who we are - or can be - in regard to how we relate to women (and how women relate to us); of how we relate as fathers to our daughters and to our sons, and how we relate to our own fathers.
There is also the question of how we as boys and men relate to our mothers. In his book Real Boys, William Pollack laments the fact that our boys are at risk more today than ever before - because of the mixed messages we give them. One of these messages - which he calls an example of the "Boy Code," is that a boy must be separated from his mother at an early age - lest he become effeminate (whatever that is supposed to mean!) So boys learn one way of being in the world - and girls another - even if a child's natural inclination is denied.
And yet, many women wish that men would have some softer edges to them - despite my risk of stereotyping women or men. What a mixed message!
Of course, the fully congruent male understands that he is more than his gender - that in effect, he might very well enjoy the stereotypical tasks men and/or women take on; that what he is inside - his likes and dislikes - say who he is rather than his external appearance.
Yet, most of us men were not raised with such choices. Rather, others chose for us.
Guys, just think about the act of "choosing sides" when it came to playing baseball when you were a boy. Not that we were the ones to choose - since the team captains chose us - or not. Then again, maybe you were the captain! Perhaps some of you women experienced such a thing as this choosing sides thing as well - although probably not in playing baseball.
At any rate, there I was: nine-years old, with a severe vision problem yet to be diagnosed, overly plump, completely flat-footed, and totally sensitive. Hardly someone either captain of the Kimball Elementary School recess baseball team would desire. But like all boys, I was required to play ball - like it or not. And I did not like it! I would have preferred doing what I did in my spare time for fun - reading world masterpieces of literature (a dictionary ever at my side) or practicing "Lady of Spain" on my accordion or hop scotching with the girls.
I was always the last one chosen to play ball - although "chosen" really wasn't the word. More like "pushed" - pushed onto the team of the unlucky captain when there was no one else to choose. Naturally, I was assigned right field - the place where few hits were expected to go.
In effect, I was Charlie Brown!
I imagine that some of the girls I used to hop scotch with when the boys weren't around are also Unitarian Universalist ministers who might be telling their congregations about how they wanted to play baseball instead of hop scotch.
Well, good, I hope they are!
At any rate, there are some New Males (and New Females) on the scene, who do not feel they have to be stereotyped by their gender - or expected to have a particular sexual orientation simply because they do a typically male or female thing.
Take my hero in this regard, one Robert Hyatt, who at the age of 16 was the only boy who entered a national sewing contest - and won it! He defeated 52 female competitors from 27 states to win the annual "Make It Yourself with Wool" finals. Said Robert:
Mom is a sewing teacher and I began to notice how much fun the three of them - my mother and two sisters - seemed to have sewing together...and well, I guess I wanted to get in on it...I don't have much time to sew, but it's fun occasionally to sew something and surprise people who think guys can only throw footballs.
Thank you, Robert! And by the way, Robert went on to say that sewing had not detracted him from his other activities, pointing out that he was co-captain of his school's football team and was on the basketball, baseball, wrestling, and track and field teams as well!
Robert is a wonderful example of the New Male. Still, the New Male need not be young. He can be of any age. And some men have always been the New Male. Hopefully, each and every man in this room is such an example.
This reality is about being fully realized; about the mind and heart and action coming together; about moving beyond the stereotypes imposed upon us. I can think of no better way of calling us boys and men to this understanding than to quote from the "Manifesto of the Berkeley Men's Center" - a group I once belonged to way back when. These words herald the liberation of men when they affirm:
We as men want to take back our full humanity. We no longer want to strain and compete to live up to an impossible oppressive masculine image...We want to love ourselves...We want to feel good about and experience our sensuality, emotions, intellect, and daily lives in an integrated way...We feel it should not be a revolutionary demand to be either gay, heterosexual, or bisexual. We want to relate to our own personal changes, motivated not by a guilt reaction to women, but by our growth as men...We are oppressed by conditioning which makes us only half-human...We want men to share their lives and experiences with each other in order to understand who we are, how we got this way, and what we must do to be free.
Truly, this is a spiritual statement for me, one that speaks to the inherent worth and dignity of every person - male and female and those who self-identify as somewhere in between.
God (if such there be), love us all!
And Happy Father's Day to all who are fathers, in one way or another.
CLOSING READING: "I am a mature fella..."
I'm a mature fella with grown children, and still every time I hear a child's voice calling out "Daddy," I instinctively turn my head in that direction because I am a dad and always will be. My greatest joy as a man has been fatherhood; my deepest pain was my separation from my children as a result of divorce. I take comfort still in those times when "my girls" call me for advice or just to tell me what's going on in their lives. I know they will always love me.
-- Eric Bouchard